I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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