Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
