I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
