foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
