I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
