i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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