Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
