He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
