the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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