if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
