I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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