i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
