The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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