I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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