I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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