"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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