Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
