Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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