I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
