Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
