so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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