I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
