Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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