The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
