Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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