Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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