Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
