I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
