I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize