My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
