just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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