3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
