I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
