He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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