I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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