Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm both gender and math confused
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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