i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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