you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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