she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
