it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
