i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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