So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
