I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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