One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
