I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
