and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize