um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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