I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
