don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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