I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize