im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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