he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
