My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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