Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
