just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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