I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
