fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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