You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
