it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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