Ambien. No doubt about it.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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