i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
