I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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