bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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